::B Deadly - In Sleep::

I've had another journal for a while now, so i'm doing what I do every year or so and i'm ditching this one for that one. You can add me there if you like, i'll try to add people later.

It's not like I've even written a lot in it, I just prefer it.

Anyway; ink_baby

Adios!

Bx

I had an Epiphany...










It's the same, but different.

Bx

I just tattooed a friend of mine, Ting, and thought I'd post some pictures. You can see them along with the full explaination on facebook, I can't be arsed to type it all here as well.










Two hours and forty minutes, including the time it took to free-hand it on, drink tea and smoke.

My Devon Rex kittens are growing, except Miss.Peppermint Cream (The White one) Isn't very well, I'm really really worried! Miss.Cocoa Fudge is becoming a right little fatty though, I think she may end up being a Chocolate point! Yummy ^_^

The last of the Laperm crosses went yesterday, leaving my little Jah - the Red tabby who was paralysed. He's now walking on his knuckles and is much better, only a few more weeks till he's fully recovered, I think!

Bx

I currently have two Laperm x Devon Rex kittens for sale. One Lilac Tabby with semi-curly fur and one extremely fluffy black. The Dam (Jynx) is a Chocolate Tabby Laperm, and the Sire (Anubis) is a Chocolate point Devon Rex. As with all of my Kittens I'd prefer for them to be homed together but if anyone would like one please give me a shout.

They're currently only four weeks old but they're walking about now and starting to get their own personalities, all very tame and playful, great pets for kids as they've got a tonne of energy and they're so loving!

I'm asking £125 ono for the Lilac tabby as he's very unusual and still retains some of his curlyness! Feel free to make me an offer on the black kitten though.

I can post pictures if anyone would like to see, regardless of whether you're interested in getting one.

And in the next week *Fingers crossed* my Blue-eyed white Devon Rex (Baby) should be having her kittens also. She's huge at the minute so I estimate she's got around five, but she has been known to have seven! And she ALWAYS has blue-eyed white kittens ^_^
This will be Baby's LAST EVER LITTER before I get her spayed as she's had several litters now and it's only fair to retire her, so get 'em while they're hot!

Eeeek! I'm so excited.

Bx

"I remember a dream I had in my teens, born from an onion and wishes spoken before bed time, during which I had come to greet you on a rope brige. I remember likening you to a fictitious man i'd come to crush on from a game i'd played with absent mind day after day.
How beautiful he was, with his dark tresses and soft eyes. Eyes I thought were blue.
And I vaguely remember a coy smile, that came more from those eyes rather than mouth, a smile that stole my breath and quite possibly my heart that night, a smile that is so like you.

In those days, when I believed that anything could happen I remember waiting for you to snatch me away from the life i'd come to resent so bitterly. I imagined what it would be like over and over again in my head, until I'd out-grown my faith in what I couldn't see. Until all thought of you was crushed into the back on my mind.

And those eyes I'd thought were blue were masked in shadow and secret."

I'm terribly bored. For weeks I've been trying to pen something amazing but my drains are blocked and I can't think straight.
Every day I can feel myself sinking into the distance of an unreality I can't recall creating. This derealisaion is causing me worry for my sanity and I'm not sure of what I'm doing anymore.

Poor Gemini, so fickle, so aloof.

I tend to think of at least on hundred different scenarios for my daily situations, each one deviating from the original and now they are starting to taunt me. I keep dreaming awake of the impossible and hallucinating of things that will remain unspoken.
I think i'm scared.

And though the world has been spinning for years now, before this point I just tended to fade in and out without any real damage to myself other than a few cuts here and there and some rather unsavory thoughts, but now whenever I think of the world I can feel my stitches tear and everything is in glass again.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing anchoring me are the thoughts of what i'd leave behined if I were to sink back into the net somehow.

*Sighs* But that's a long way away, and i've only a litle boat.

[Don't make the mistake of thinking you know what I'm talking about]

Bx

I've found tonnes of paintings and drawings of Kali Ma, they're all so pretty.
I need to get bigger pictures of her effects though, and do some brain storming from them.

Heh, 'Brain storming', that's well Highschool.

Anyway. At first I only wanted them for a drawing/design I've been meaning to do that I want to call 'Be your Own God'. It involves several arms, a lot of ink and a cow. It'll be ricockulous. Oh yes.
But now that I've had two days, eleven hours, thirty minutes and forty seven seconds to stew on the idea that my Mother MAY have bought me a Digital SLR for Christmas, I want to take some modern day Kali photos.
Joy! Oh pure and brilliant Joy!

So maybe i'm setting my poor little heart up for disappointment. Maybe. But is it not far better to dream then to wake up to the harsh reality that she's probably just bought me a rather expensive sweater?

I'm joking, of course.

Anyway, just thought i'd let you all in on that. It's because i'm bored. Bored.

Bx

I can taste the acridity of bile on my gums as it meanders around the lump in my throat. Pungent. Abrasive. I can only cry for five seconds. I'll only let you in for as long as that now...

...I imagine, that you're fluttering beneath my bones as a bird in a glass house and that you are scrabbling at my sinew with gangly legs and tawny bill. [This is the house of destruction, where there is no room for love and it is far too small for us both]

My Body is on fire. It is a bird's manner to fluster it's way from harm and while I am burning inside I can feel no blame. But it torments me. Your innocence disgusts me.

I breath. No. Hyperventilate. Erratic and precarious. I am an irregular beat in a capricious Heart. I am a wayward clot in a flock of oxygen. A mutant cell. A Bad seed.

[I now know that there is only to be one survivour from this elaborate mess]

I dig into the gaping red sore in my sternum with wicked witch talons and pick at my skin with the same frivolity as a child would a boiled sweet, and then with tendon betwixt thumb and forefinger I tear fat from muscle in strips and discard them like bloody tissues. I bare a striking resemblence to a fabric doll as I snap my stitches and rip myself apart - stifling screams of scathing agony as I flay myself in viscious, violent passion so as to release you from this fleshy confinement, so as to provide for you a freedom I fear to allow myself to feel. To show you a compassion I could never administer to my own being.

[It's been over eighteen cycles since I captured you]

Like a remnant from a thickly lashed tar pit, a single trapestine tear falls from duct to cheek and smears like paint across my pores. My last one. I reach under my collar bone and seize my trachea with fist clenched and breath held. I know I am destroying myself but I don't care. I don't care as long as I get you out.

My throat collapses, my jugular punctures and the floor is covered with a vermillion spray as my head caves and innards spring out with a tug of love. My Atrium bursts from my breast in an amazing array of colour, flings to the floor. She Beats. One...Two...Three and then she is gone...

...

...There is a crimson bird picking at the insides-out of a torn doll with ragged feathers and a broken heart. For so long he had been kept inside her, free from harm but also free of future.

Now he springs across a spattered floor like a lost boy in an ensanguined playground. Hops, Skips, Spreads his sullied wings...

...My poor darling bird, You are all that's left of me now. And you must learn to love again.

Bx